Over-analyzing your partner is a common issue that comes up often with our clients. Many people find themselves spending too much time and energy trying to figure out their partner’s intentions and diagnose them, rather than focusing on themselves. Here’s what you need to know…
The Exhaustion of Hypervigilance
Many women come to coaching exhausted from constantly analyzing their partner – is he manipulative or just confused? Does he have trauma or is he being abusive? This type of over-analyzation leads to extreme exhaustion and frustration.
The brain’s natural tendency is to try to understand the partner’s motives and predict his future actions as a way of preventing further pain, so it makes sense why women become hypervigilant about diagnosing the root causes of their partner’s hurtful behaviors.
However, this hypervigilance comes at a huge cost of time, mental energy, and emotional bandwidth. It pulls the woman’s locus of control outward instead of inward.
Focus on the Impact, Not the Intent
Amie and Alana encouraged listeners to focus more on the impact of the partner’s conduct rather than the intent behind it. As Amie pointed out, “You’re suffering from his conduct, not his diagnosis.”
For example, if a pattern emerges where the partner frequently confuses or gaslights the woman after difficult conversations, the impact of constant confusion and self-doubt matters more than analyzing why he does this.
Turn Inward and Reclaim Your Energy
Those who are betrayed should be aware of where they are spending their precious energy. When dealing with trauma, it’s essential to protect and nurture your energy as much as possible.
Rather than exerting energy to figure the partner out, turn that energy inward to focus on your own healing and taking care of yourself or kids (if applicable). Get support from a coach or therapist who can validate your experiences, provide clarity, and help you regain your sense of power and agency.
The answers about the partner will emerge in time as you become more grounded and connected to yourself. But for now, give yourself permission to stop overanalyzing him and use that energy to take care of you.
Key Takeaways
- Stop overanalyzing your partner’s motivations and diagnosis
- Tune into the impact their behaviors have on you
- Confusion and exhaustion are common impacts
- Refocus on your own experience with help from a coach or therapist
- Be mindful of protecting your energy when healing from trauma
