Creating Safety After Trauma

Whether you’re in a romantic relationship or not, learning to create psychological safety for yourself after trauma is a huge principle of healing. 

When we talk about betrayal and all the loss that comes with betrayal trauma, we include the loss of your central nervous system to PTSD, the loss of trust, the loss of your self esteem, the loss of emotional regulation, and the loss of safety. 

Many of us don’t even know that we’re in charge of our own safety, and since we didn’t have it in place before the betrayal happened, our next best option is to put it in place now.

How to start creating psychological safety

In the recovery world, it’s often asserted that the partner who’s caused the betrayal needs to create safety. And that’s true… to an extent. But the second we rely on an external source to be the answer, we give away our power. The truth is, you don’t have to wait on your partner to take action to feel safe. You already have the power to start creating the safety you need. 

Create boundaries
Using a client story from the podcast, an example boundary can look like, “If you don’t tell me about your slip-ups within 24 hours, then I will not feel safe enough for sexual intimacy with you.” So if your partner violates the boundary, meaning they don’t say they had a slip within 24 hours, you get to feel protected 

Identify your triggers
When you feel triggered, ask yourself, “What am I feeling? How’s that showing up in my body? What am I doing right now? What was the thing that caused it?” For example, if songs on the radio trigger you, that’s something you can control: turn off the radio. Create a playlist of songs that aren’t triggering to you. It’s absolutely okay to protect your energy.

Self-validation
What is one primary affirmation that you can tell yourself every single day? Practicing affirmation in the way we talk to ourselves and learning to have humanity for ourselves is crucial for creating psychological safety. 

You’ll Learn:

• How to choose new thoughts that rewire your brain for psychological safety
• The importance of a community of support in your healing process
• Why noticing yourself and your own needs is an essential step toward safety

Mentioned in the show:

Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts by Stefanie Carnes, PhD.