How to respond when you discover your kids are looking at porn
In this episode of Choose To Be, we’re walking you through some simple tools and how to respond when you discover your kids are looking at porn.
In this day and age, with the sexually saturated culture we have, our kids will be exposed to pornography. So when that happens, how are we going to respond? What will that look like?
We are giving you the tools to handle this situation when it comes up, whether your child comes to you with questions or disclosures or you discover the behavior yourself.
As parents how we approach our children or when we discover or they disclose their own experimentation with pornography and masturbation lays the foundation for how that child now navigates their own experience with this.
If our kids don’t feel safe enough to talk to us about what they’re really thinking or experiencing or questioning, then they’re going to search for those answers elsewhere, and we know not all information out there is correct or healthy.
How to talk about pornography to your kids
Exposure does not equal addiction. And labeling or shaming your child in this way right off the bat can be very damaging because it will shape how they see themselves.
So much at this age is normal curiosity and developing sexuality. It might feel like an emergency, but it is not.
As always, we encourage you to get your own help around your own thoughts, and triggers around sexuality because that will filter to your children.
The most important thing is that you are grounded and calm when you approach your child. Then, you can come to them with curiosity and connection, rather than blame and shame.
Your child doesn’t need a lecture. He doesn’t need to be told he’s dangerous, wrong or stupid. He needs first and foremost to feel secure and his attachment to you, his primary caregiver.
Step 1: Get Grounded
Stop and breathe
Notice the body and feel the feelings
Make space for the trigger and the trauma response
Honor and validate what you are feeling before you respond
Step 2: Have a Conversation
Tone and body language are really important, too. That’s why it’s so important that you take the time to ground yourself before having the conversation.
Start by dropping into curiosity. Ask questions like, “Help me understand what you were thinking?” or “Help me understand what’s going on” or “What was that like for you?”, “How did you feel as you were looking at it?”, “How do you feel now?”.
We really love the empowering response that Dan Oaks shared. It went something like this:
This is so exciting. Developing these sexual responses mean you’re becoming an adult, and it is really normal and healthy. We want to make sure that we can harness this energy in a way that’s going to be really healthy for you, and I’m going to walk you through it and be there for you.
Step 3: Set Boundaries and Make an Action Plan Together
Get curious about what your child feels like would be helpful, and meet them where they are right now. Rather than setting restrictions for them, give them the space to learn how to manage themselves.
Step 4: Be Patient With Yourself
Getting it right as a parent doesn’t mean it’s going to feel good. It might feel really hard and scary. That is a really normal experience, and learning this puts you in a place to not only have a healthier relationship with your child, but set them up for more success.
As the parent, one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is doing your work around your own sexuality or work of healing through betrayal. Because with every little bit of information that you learn, you are becoming more empowered. And every little bit of information that you learn also creates a little bit more safety for them as they navigate their sexuality.
You’ll Learn:
- Why pornography pulls us in in the first place
- Why exposure does not equal addiction
- What to do if your child refuses to talk to you about it
Resources:
- Upcoming Revive and Thrive Divorce Retreat: October 20-23 in St. George, UT: Register now
- Dan Oaks video
- Matt Fradd’s video: Is Pornography Intrinsically Bad?
- Fight The New Drug documentaries
Meet the Faces Behind the Voices
Choose To Be is focused on women healing from infidelity, betrayal trauma, or from the sexual acting out of their spouse. We are a Christian based company, committed to helping women heal. Come be part of the conversation as we interview experts, others who have gone through this journey, as well as gain tools to help you move forward.
